High Speed Blenders Work Great for Shakes... Families... Not So Much

The last few days I have seen a number of blogs and posts about the topic of blended families, the process of blending families, and the problems that the adults who find themselves in this situation tend to experience.

My first observation was this... women seem to find a lot of dissatisfaction with this particular arrangement. Many of the posts were from step moms struggling to hammer out a role for themselves.

I read lots of complaining.

One woman bemoaned the fact that her 9 year old step daughter was acting out at her house because her biological mother is not an ACTIVE parent. In this particular woman's mind, it was clear that the child must be mad because she is forced to spend half her time with an incompetent biological mother and couldn't have HER as a mother full time.

While her reasoning seemed overly simplistic at best, her voice was not alone. Many women, biological and step are filled with anger, frustration and resentment at this delicate procedure our society now calls "blending" families.

Raising children is a hot issue. No doubt about it.

Biological mothers miss their children when they are away and can often feel minimized or threatened when they feel another woman is overstepping her bounds and invading the sacred space between a mother and her offspring.

Any other animal in nature solves this potential problem with teeth and claws...

Woe to the man or woman that surprises a mama bear in the woods. My condolences to the well meaning but misguided nature lover that comes too close to the swallow's nest. Even the tiniest of birds does not recognize how little she is when a breach of security is perceived.

Once you become a mother, you understand this basic defensive reaction with a bit more compassion. If you are the threatened mother there is always a rooted instinct to protect. I know nearly all mothers can name a time when instincts manifested before reason could tame them.

Sometimes this is great. We learn that we have the capacity to do things on behalf of our children that we would not have the courage to do on our own. Sometimes however, our emotions and instincts can serve to complicate an already complicated situation for a child.

Step moms don't have it so great either. They also run the risk of feeling minimized, but in addition they seem to be forced into a position of proving themselves somehow. Her position comes under the watchful and judgment filled eye of many. Is she doing a good job? Is she stealing this child from another woman? Is she corrupting the child in some way? Is she providing fuel to an already raging fire that might be ongoing between the child's biological parents? Is she active enough? Is she too active?

Everyone (including her own biological family) will have their opinion on what she is doing and how she is doing it. A woman is still judged very harshly by our society on her ability to mother well. Deadbeat dads come under less criticism than the mother (biological or step) that does not take her role seriously.

Trying to replace a biological parent is a losing battle. Trying to blend like it was not a big deal is also a losing battle...in fact, at the root of this thoughtless plan is a naive belief that has great potential to do harm.

Real life stories don't have a Brady Bunch theme song.

So how do we approach such a delicate issue? If we are reasonable adults we all know that "Putting the needs and feelings of the child first" is the right answer. If we are honest adults we see that often we fall short. What we say we believe, and what we actually do may not be lining up well with each other.

It's time to check your ego at the door.

You aren't special. To coin a phrase that I've heard here and there and all over... "You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake."

I think Tyler Durden said that actually...

This doesn't mean that you aren't fantastic in your own way. I'm all about the self respect and empowerment too, don't get me wrong. What this means is that regardless of who we are or how unique we perceive our situation to be, we have the same developmental stages and fall into the same pitfalls as 99% of other people facing similar situations.

People are fairly predictable. Presented with any situation, there are only a handful of options that people will choose.

If we were to find a wallet on the street, the obvious choices are either:
A- keep the money
B- turn in the wallet

The majority of human beings faced with that situation will choose one of the two options.

If you were UNIQUE....maybe you would eat the wallet for dinner... with a nice red wine or something.

Again, most of us will fall into camp A or B.

How could this be helpful for you to keep in mind? Well... if you don't mind indulging me for a moment I will describe to you a moment of clarity that has changed my thinking. For you see, I am a mama tiger too.

Fuming over the latest absurdity and injustice regarding the fate of my cub (we need not go further into this than that) I found myself opening a book in Barnes and Noble about the very topic we opened with... blending families.

Very quickly I learned a couple of things.

My feelings and reactions were typical, as were the feelings and reactions of other parties involved.

The aforementioned absurdities that had my panties in a bunch were actually pretty common and all adults involved had followed very predictable patterns of behavior.

It was refreshing and surprising to say the least. Logically I know it should not be surprising. I study child and student development theories grounded in research. Why should I believe that the situation I currently found myself drowning in didn't have a well researched human development model? Why did I not realize how unconsciously I was living this out?

I'm not that special. I just needed a reminder. When I saw that my reactions and the behaviors of all adults involved were not extraordinary I was able to decide to make different choices. Subsequently my behaviors are now less based on my own sense of injustice and basic instinct and more centered on the mental and emotional health of my child.

This revelatory moment of mine should not lead you to believe that I am now so enlightened that I never get annoyed... I am a human animal afterall. The difference is now I can pause and analyze. I have realized that repositioning, ability to retreat, and careful assessment of my nesting ground are important skills. A good understanding of the biological habits and tendencies of other animals living in the same habitat are also required for survival. I needed to understand that when the skunk had it's tail up, reasoning with it was an impossibility...attempts were only going to make things worse.

Now...did I buy this book and mail it off to the other adults involved? No. I don't think they are quite ready to have those sorts of conversations with me yet. However I did feel a pang of compassion for them. What a rotten place to be...and I could see that the holes were still in the process of being dug deeper.

Soon I will be on the other side of the fence. My son and I will be blending too as we add a new male father-head into our little family. So how can we prepare?

My partner and I have been discussing this conundrum for about a year and a half now as we slowly transition his status from "Mom's friend" to "My friend" to "Our guide, advocate and supporter."

While my alpha and I have been monogamous and committed for several years, we did not attempt any sort of "blend" between the three of us until a decision was made that we were ready to pack together permanently.

At first this meant my son would just stay up late enough to say hello when my partner came over for our nightly debrief. Then, it meant our new addition would occasionally stop over for a meal and stay for a movie or game. Eventually he started traveling with us every now and then for the ever dreaded pick up and drop off...it was important to demonstrate civility and respect toward the cub's biological roots.

My mate knows he will fill a new role, not replace one that is currently occupied. He is a different sort of animal able to teach my cub a different set of survival skills. He will enhance, not compete.

We will need to build our own traditions as a little tribe. My son will be encouraged to explore new interests with his new step parent. Old father son rituals will remain sacred and left to grow their own way.

As a family we will need to do active planning and conscious work together. We will have to accept that research, active listening, therapy, and some trying times will be part of our process.

I do not believe we can just hope for the best and things will fall into place. If we truly want the best for our children we have to put them at the center. We have to step outside of ourselves and look at the situation as if we were a case study.

We have to work at it.

Blending is hardly as easy as flipping a switch. I do believe it is possible however and have hope that I will be able to facilitate that in the best way I can.