Take Two....So What have We Learned?

The first time I got married I was 21, full of ungrounded dreams, and convinced that as soon as those magic gold bands were placed on our fingers all of our relationship issues would be solved. With that final, "Now you may kiss" permission all of the things about us that didn't work would somehow slide into rightness and the universe would shift to make our life together happy and everything I imagined it would be.

He would learn how great it would be to make a home with me. We'd have 4 kids. He'd work out of our home as an artist and be satisfied. I would work like crazy running my own business, but I would love it. He would adore me, and our children. He would totally and completely embrace his role as loving father and husband and our life together would be all either of us needed.

....uhhhhhhhhhhh....

Nope.

14 years after my first marriage here I go again. This time it's with eyes wide open and without the fairy dust that I was more than happy to shake all over everything in my 20's.

Here are a couple things about myself that I know now that I didn't know before.

• I'm far more difficult to deal with than I originally thought. I get that now. I am embracing it.
• I am a bit of a control freak. I always knew I was ambitious before, I just never knew to what extent. I am easily bored and will always be working on a new project. My partner doesn't need to help me, but he does need to understand I need creative freedom while I'm carving something new out. I don't require or prefer helpful feedback until later.
  
• I need my man to be able to take complete responsibility for his own projects since I have so many of my own I'd like to do.
• I do not like depending on people to do things for me. I am impatient and feel that it is often easier to do things myself. This is something I have had to learn to temper. I have also learned that including others (when they want to be included) is a great way to strengthen a team.
  
• I don't like indecision. I will change my mind but it will always be decided one way or another. This is only important because I know there are other people that are not like me. My partner thinks about buying something for a year and then puts it in his online shopping cart for months before checking out. His way is not the way I would prefer to live but I do concede that his way is occasionally better. He rarely has buyers remorse....and I am SURE that he does indeed want to marry me.
  
• I am a planner. My man will need to be okay with long and short term goal setting.
• I always knew I was a homebody, now I realize that anyone sharing space with me will need to really be okay with my love of loving him through service. It's weird, but I will want to cook and keep a tidy home...because it makes me feel normal...and because the day to day rituals of life keep me grounded.
  
• I'm a naturally good homemaker...(I'm the oldest of 3 girls in a very traditional family...Maybe it's not "natural" but there was no escaping it.) It's a natural way for me to show love to my mate and children but one that may be a bit "full on" for some. Some people are weirded out by it. Sadly, it's also because of this love language that I am likely to be taken advantage of. I need someone who understands that the magic fairies are not the ones bringing breakfast in the morning and scrubbing out the tub. While I don't require much, I do like to hear that my work was taken note of. If my man doesn't value a clean house I need him to at least acknowledge that he values my attempts to provide him with a peaceful space.
  
• I know now that I need a man that is not afraid to tell me to take a load off and chill. One that is paying attention enough to know that when I'm busy serving and running around like crazy, I am ungrounded and most in need of a night out..(one that I don't have to plan myself)
• I don't really enjoy talking on the phone. I miss the man when he's away and everything but see little point in exchanging pleasantries. Long distance relationships don't work for me...in fact I have behaved badly in them...so no "non traditional" marriage situations will be tolerated.
• A girl like me who loves through service needs love back. Physical attention is my favorite love language to receive. My man doesn't have to make me breakfast....but he does need to enjoy my enthusiasm for the, "Joys that marriage can bring."
• I don't have a wandering eye, but I've had to learn that many situations cause unplanned trouble and stress. I will need help sometimes in knowing where the bear traps are.
• I desperately seek approval from my mate. I want to know I'm wanted. If I don't have his eye for an extended period of time, I have been known to look for appreciation (or to notice that other people do appreciate me) somewhere else..(see previous bullet point for worst case scenario here)...I understand this a lot better than I did 10 years ago so my man should be prepared to deal with my awkward attempts at preventative measures...like talking about things.
• I have a hard time asking for what I want. I will never ask for material things or gifts because I feel too guilty about wanting them to begin with. I'm still working on finding my voice.
• I love a strong leader...partially because strength is a turn on, and partially because I love to debate a good opponent. Sometimes I fight just because the other person seems so sure of themselves...not because I really care. I need for there to be a balanced position. I need a partner that can stimulate my mind (although the foot rubs are nice!)
  
• I am tough and easy going at the same time. It takes a lot to get to me, but it does happen. When I go off... I really do it. This can often catch my partner off guard. I've probably been infamous for causing one of those, "Who the hell is this??" moments in more than one man. This has happened because I let things get too out of hand. I have had to work hard at bringing things up as they occur and solving issues rather than pretending whatever bothered me never happened.
  

Knowing these things and making sure the other person gets full disclosure before the deed is done has been important. We're heading to Las Vegas in less than a month. This time, besides my dress and a ring, I'm packing all my imperfections. I'm also hauling along a good sized bit of reality. I understand that sometimes there won't just be a bad day, there could be a bad year.

I wonder if I'll have to pay an extra baggage fee when I fly.

The story hasn't been written yet. The two main characters however are well developed.

Viva Las Vegas!