New Mom Again After 14 Years

Pregnancy 14 years after my first child was born has been a real trip.
Honestly, between morning sickness, heartburn, swollen feet and extreme exhaustion, writing about my experience didn't cross my mind very much. I can say definitively that I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in a row since maybe August of last year.

At least now my lack of sleep is caused by someone who politely squawks in the night to let me know he needs me. I'd take that over that oppressive "I'm so squished!" feeling any day of the week. Yes.. he is a good baby. It's just a chirp or two to let me know he's up and hungry. No screaming business (knock on wood) yet.

Let me tell you, being a mother the second time has been completely overwhelming. It's "awesome" it the true meaning of the word. The first time was great too, but knowing now what I didn't know then has made all the difference.

My first son is too big to lay in my arms. He doesn't need me in the middle of the night, and although it's nice not to have to worry about all those messy body issues, I still really miss the days when he was little enough for me to spoon the way a mama cat wraps around her kittens. Just the other day I found some old photos when he looked to be about kindergarten age. That's the little boy I knew. I find myself sad. Not sad because I want him to be small again, but sad because there are so many things I would have done differently if I had known better.

I wish I hadn't been so stressed out. I wish I had better coping tools to deal with a variety of issues that affected the mother I was. I wish I had more patience. I wish that I would have stopped to realize that soon he wouldn't be my baby. He would be his own man.

Now my first son is tall enough that to hug him I have to stand tip toe to get my head over his shoulder. Those days of parenting a baby are over. Now I'm raising a man.

Everyday I see my new little guy I thank God. It is amazing that 14 years later I'm having another go and have been blessed with enough time to reflect and change the person that I was.

I was fully aware while trying to get pregnant that being a mother again might not be in my future. The opportunity to do it again really does feel like a gift to be treasured.

So what has changed?

I had a student write to me recently that she was having a hard time staying in the present. Boy, I could relate to that. I still do have a hard time. My mind tends to time travel a lot. Sometimes it's into a past that is unchangeable. Less and less though it's into an unknown future.

I'm okay with an unknown future. I don't think I've been able to say that honestly since I was maybe 13 or 14. Perhaps my first son is just on the last little cusp of childhood where future anxiety hasn't become an issue yet. Maybe that will be one of the the next legs of the parenting journey with him...staying present.

Every day my little one does something different it amazes me. Every day he is my reminder of what a miracle life is. The way my body changes to support and nourish him is also a beautiful reminder that I'm really not so far away from that mama cat.

I don't mind getting up in the middle of the night. I don't mind changing diapers. I don't mind walking back and forth singing and comforting someone when I have no idea what is the matter or if I'm helping.

I know firsthand how much I will miss it when he's gone. Every morning together feels like a gift. They slip by so fast. I'll blink and he'll be graduating from college and off to live his own life.

For now though...

I'm enjoying my baby boy.