How Did Your Husband Become Another Child?

So, here is the thing. If you are a mom you have a lot of responsibility. Frustrating though it is, it probably often seems like the work load is not exactly fairly divided with your spouse/partner when it comes to childcare responsibilities.

I have spent some time wondering why women are the schedulers of Dr's appointments and the holders down of little pudgy thighs for shots. Why is it that we are the ones concerned about sleeping patterns and bedtimes when they are small and it's our day that gets rescheduled if we have a sick child or something happens at school? How is it that we become the organizers, taxi drivers, schedulers, advocates and problem solvers that so often find ourselves flying solo?

In teaching dance classes, I have noticed that the majority of the time, the dads don't make any final decisions. They need to check in first. If I want answers or need to make a schedule change I wait for the mom to come for the pick up. I have also noticed that if mom goes out of town, odds are good that their daughter will not be at lessons because dad is not used to juggling a different schedule that includes more than himself.

Is he incompetent? Is he incapable? No, I don't think that's it. I think probably we as women just like to be in charge and have things "right" the first time. It's just faster. In our quest for efficiency, we develop systems. These systems are clear to us but would take far too much time and energy to explain to another person. So we, being the silent strong sufferers that we are choose to suck it up, save time and do it ourselves.

Our partners check in with us before they make plans involving children. This is not so much out of consideration as it is that they have realized that slowing down the family machine you have created and causing you extra work is a big no no. If he doesn't want to hear how he did it wrong...or how he should have asked you first...then he will learn to just stop functioning as an independent adult and defer to you to begin with.

This isn't the guy you used to date!!! That man was a decision maker. That man had big plans and was capable of impressing you with well planned dates... right? (I hope you at least got the well planned dates!).

How did your knight in shining armor turn into the guy who hangs around the house and waits for you to tell him what needs to be done? How does he NOT notice that there are dishes in the sink, a dog that needs to go out, and a kid who is busy playing video games and should have finished his homework an hour ago? Why is it that he is not concerned about the last eye doctor appointment and when the next one needs to be scheduled...or even if your child brushes his/her teeth regularly? Why hasn't he asked whether or not basketball games are going to interfere with wrestling practice/ballet class and offered to brainstorm solutions with you?

If you started out your relationship thinking that he really couldn't function without you and stepped in to be his personal assistant, you might not initially think the switch to children will be a big deal. You've already been taking care of one big one right? You are okay with organizing people and things. You're probably darn good at it. I suspect however you have discovered that since the kids came the workload has increased about tenfold and you are exhausted (and a bit bitter about the whole thing).

What happened to make him fall into the category of, "Thing you had to take care of?" I hate to say it, but it was probably you. If you decided that raising babies and children was your job and used your mate as an "assistant" then you might find yourself quite annoyed now sometimes.

Not sure if this is the case? Ask yourself this question. When you need to leave the house and the children are left with him, does he call it "babysitting?" If he does...you're in trouble. We babysit other people's kids. We raise our own. If he is "babysitting" then he doesn't really see this as his job, he sees it as yours.

If you are a single parent, depending on the circumstances of course your feelings of resentment might be better or worse. If there is only one person around to do the work, there is no reason to be angry, it's just work that needs to be done. If there are two, that is where I see the most contempt. It's hard not to have contempt for someone who spends his energy in so many ways except in helping you with organizing family things. I get that. I do understand. But, what to do?

Head it off at the past! If you can, figure out who is doing what before kids come.

Ask for help! (nicely) Don't nag him to death. He probably does care but doesn't feel (for whatever reason) that this is his domain. If you want him to be your partner instead of another child he is going to have to have some ownership in the outcome. Let him pick something and be in charge.

You are going to have to have enough courage to be honest about what you would like help with. You are also going to have to be a savvy enough lady to woo the husband into compliance. There is that old saying about getting more bees with honey. I think there is probably some truth to that.

It's wonderful to be in love with a man that you respect. If you love a strong leader you're going to have to back off sometimes and let him do it his way.

He'll figure out your way is faster all on his own...and have a new appreciation for everything you do.