I Know This Sounds Harsh But...

This past week or so I have heard this statement or some derivative of it on 3 different occasions, "I know this sounds harsh but..."

Why do we say that? I've really given it a lot of thought and I can't find any purpose to it. While it would seem like the words were supposed to cushion some sort of blow, they don't. In fact, they don't seem to serve anyone except the person saying or writing them. It is as if the person can be critical and yet still maintain their status as an impartial, fair, reasonable, loving person. It seems to me that when words like this are given to justify "truth telling" perhaps what is really happening is that person communicating wants to express sincere displeasure without having to risk anything.

We want to eat our cake and have the right not to gain weight after. We want immunity from our own statement. I have decided that not only is that impossible, it is not responsible.

I do think it is important to communicate openly and honestly with each other. I have also learned that people are occasionally much happier not taking responsibility for the way their feelings may impact another person..rightly or wrongly. We want to be able to say what our gut tells us or our emotions dictate, but we really don't want to be seen in a less than positive light.

We want to bathe in our righteous indignation. Oh yeah....we want to swim in it without risk of being seen as petty, unjust, or just plain crazy.

Well here is the thing. If you are going to express your emotion honestly, once in a while it is possible that it is going to inflict damage to some extent. That's not necessarily a bad thing. We can't build anything new without a bit of demolition first right? Why would we apologize for that? More importantly though, why would we choose to use words that don't really apologize (for what we are ready to stand by as absolute truth...in that moment anyway) but instead only serve to demean and patronize the listener. You don't get a free pass to say whatever you want just by acknowledging the harshness of your sentiment.

If you've got to swing a hammer at a wall I think you've got to own the swing. All actions and words have consequences. Further, we should all consider a bit of real reflection before attacking another person. Surely there is a way to communicate that doesn't involve attacking the other for our perception of a situation.

Maybe we should think about why we feel so compelled to say the things that we are trying to excuse ourselves for in the first place. If it really is that harsh, maybe it's because there is emotion tied to it. Is it possible to step back, remove the emotion and just share information? Is it possible to give feedback about another's behavior or position by simply stating the behavior we have observed and how it has altered or changed a relationship or situation?

When we voice our displeasure with someone it is wise to stop and think about why we feel it is so important to share those particular words with that particular person. Is it about us, or is it truly about making a situation a more positive experience for everyone?

I am constantly amazed by the human imagination. The mental constructs we build about particular relationships and situations are truly incredible. We have the ability to experience a reality completely of our own making. We hear something about someone from someone else or we do our own savvy analysis of a situation and we suddenly discover that we know exactly why a person did a specific thing. We are more than certain that a specific outcome was the intended result so any other "evidence" we have filed away comes forward in our brain to witness that yes, we are correct.

We find what we look for...and we somehow don't seem to notice other information that would provide a conflicting reality.

I have been guilty of this many times. More recently I had the blessing of watching someone's mental construct crumble down all around them. This person had assumed a friend was angry at them because the friend had not returned an important call. For months we discussed this "reality." We theorized what she might have been thinking, or what the issue might have been only to discover later that the person that was "angry" just didn't check voicemail all that much. She didn't know her friend had called! She certainly didn't know she was supposed to return a call...or that the assumption was made that she was so angry that she didn't want to talk.

"Do you know what this means??" I said excitedly.... "It means the last few months were created by your imagination!! None of it was even real!! There was no drama or problem except for the one you created in your head!"

Boy...that was a blessing. Sometimes I can be a bit thick and this was a perfectly clear example how someone who is very reasonable and smart could fall into the imagination land trap. It made me reflect a lot on how often I allow myself to fall into the same sort of trap.

Are you the sort of person that assumes that people are generally well intentioned and that any misstep must surely have just been an accident or mistake? Or instead, are you the sort that believes that some sort of drama is ensuing and most times people (or one specific person) have some sort of evil internal motivation?

What you believe about people will color every interaction you have. What stories you have chosen to believe in also dictate how you will treat the characters. Do you believe people are generally good and there to help or generally untrustworthy and selfish?

If you feel the need for honesty in a relationship, I think that is amazingly wonderful. You would be smart to consider what you are trying to be honest about and stop to uncover the assumptions and beliefs you have when you share your feelings with another person. A little bit of self excavation can go a long way when communicating with other people.

Like Patrick Swazye said in Dirty Dancing, "This is my dance space...This is YOUR dance space." We have to understand our own issues before we go projecting them on other people.

Truth can be a great way to strengthen and grow a relationship. It is often hard to say if the truth we are so passionate about is real or if it exists only inside the imagination land trap. Surely there is no value in spending months stewing about something that never really happened. Save your energy for figuring out yourself and why what was said or what you imagine was said or done impacted you. Once you know that, you'll be better able to have a logical conversation that does not include escapist statements like, "I know this sounds harsh but...."

If you've got to do some remodeling you might end up having to swing that hammer... do it with love for a good cause.

and...make sure you knock out the correct wall.